In Part 1 of The Identity Trap, we talked about the hazards of taking our role—and the quality of our performance in that role—as part of our identity. We saw how when something becomes part of our identity, it’s non-negotiable for us. Anyone who crosses our cherished perceptions is pretty much on our “black list.”

This month we’re looking at an even more destructive extension of that: identifying with our opinions.  If I am my opinions, you can’t even safely have a discussion with me. Any conversation quickly polarizes.

The signs that this is happening with someone are not subtle. For example, you perceive an area of disagreement. You ask questions to explore the basis for what the other person is thinking, and gradually you find they are following your thinking on the matter or you’ve found a ground you believe you could both agree on. Just as you ask the question that reveals that is the result, they snap back into the earlier position – unwilling to change in any way, despite agreeing with your analysis all along, little step by little step. That’s a sign of an identity trap.

The person is identified with that opinion and no thoughtful process will penetrate because what we identify with is above and beyond all reason. It is un-reason. Very likely at some time in your life, this has characterized you. As children we explore what “I” am – what “I” means. We begin building a sense of identity. Sometimes the most rigid parts of that, built by mimicking those role models around us, become encrusted in us to the point that we are as impervious as a steel ball. This need not continue.

To recognize what things you have taken into your own identity—and this often is very surprising—look for the things others say that really, really hurt. Instead of identifying with the pain of the hurt, look and see how you relate to what it is that was wounded in the interchange. For example, if someone says, “you’re just emotional.” You may react with, “I am not!” – which just proves the point. Or you may take advantage of the opportunity. What’s happened is that your identity likely includes the view that you are reasonable and when someone says you are emotional, that’s an attack. You could instead pause, collect yourself and say, “there’s some truth in that. Thanks for the heads up. Let’s continue.”

What you’ve just done is to pull the plug on a potentially ugly confrontation and actually made yourself look really cool. You have risen above it, and you’ve used skill in expressing yourself. And because you’re a leader, you acknowledged the other’s point without any “buts.” You found a bit of truth in what was said and basically communicated to the other person, “you’re right.” There are few more satisfying words in our culture.

We all long to be seen as being right and often cringe when we are seen as being wrong. This acknowledgement didn’t cost you anything. It’s terribly hard to do before you do it and drop-dead easy after you have done it. In prospect it’s a terrible admission. In hindsight, it’s nothing at all. You could have gone on the defensive. But you didn’t. You didn’t flinch, inside or out.

Learning Step: To integrate the learning here, look for opportunities to move past your most sensitive spots. When you feel the hurt and start to close up, instead of relating to the discomfort, let yourself be aware of the larger context—you, the other person, eternity, nature, the earth, maybe even what my really appreciate about that other person. Learning how to make the shift is hard at first, easier with practice and soon you can be looking forward to having more opportunities to shed these old constraints.

What is the role of your identity in your work and in your life? If this was the last day of your life and you knew it, what is it – in how you think about yourself – that you defend – if not outwardly, then inwardly, if someone suggested otherwise to you or about you?

There are two main areas of identity that get us into trouble. One is role. I know that for myself years ago I identified myself as a lawyer. I honestly thought that is what I was. Looking back, it’s hilarious: “lawyer” is an archetype – a form – that a person can inhabit. But there is and was a lot more to me than “lawyer.” True it was my profession and at the time it had something to do with status and recognition, but what made it toxic was that I took it as my identity. I had given myself a two-dimensional identity.

What roles define your identity to you? Husband? Wife? Mother? Father? Manager? CA? CM? MD? CFO? CEO? COO? When you consider it, does this still make sense to you, or is it a hold-over from a previous time in your life? There are likely some roles that still define you in some way in your life. Are they useful now? Or are they something you can happily let slide into your history? As identities, roles are inherently constricting, no matter how important they are, because they are always partial. There is always so much more to you than your role. Even in your role as parent, there is always more to you.

More important than roles perhaps, are qualities. We tend to define ourselves in terms of specific qualities – being effective, efficient, thorough, thoughtful, expressing of feelings or suppressing them, having a sense of humour – or not, being shy or outgoing, being open-minded – or not, being generous, kind, compassionate – or not. For me, the identity wasn’t just being a lawyer. It was being a “good lawyer.” Anyone that challenged my honesty, integrity or skills was in some way attacking me, because I was identified in myself, with this role and quality.

The result of having role and qualities identities is that we get pissed off when someone says or does something that challenges that. Generally this boils down to someone treading on our self-identity. A leader cannot afford to do that, because she or he is then taking things personally. Things taken personally are defined by our history and our conditioning and give life to the past, not the present. Leaders must live in the present.

The easy way out of this box is to enlarge our identities to include others. Early identities are about me, as different or distinct from and perhaps opposed to, Mom or Dad. We assert our independence through this differentiation. If co-dependency is an issue for us, we struggle fiercely for independence. But there is something greater than that: inter-dependence. The greater identity required of leaders is closer to Bishop Tutu’s famous phrase, ‘I am because you are.” There’s a sense of we-ness that permeates real leaders’ thoughts, feelings and personal identity and how them see themselves in relation to others. If we are just as important as me, then others are really on the team. They belong and I belong. We belong.

And if qualities are something you strive for rather than something you claim as part of our identity, then you welcome the observations of others that show you how you are seen what you would like to be. Leaders seek out comment and observation rather than shun them. Instead of clenching internally in reaction to something spoken critically, they look for the kernel of truth in it, take it in, and chalk up the rest to imperfect expression – something we all share. If leaders see that something concerning them has caused difficulties, they address those promptly in ways that are respectful of others. There is little that is more freeing than conceding to someone else, “you were right. I was mistaken about that.” This lifts the entire matter out of identity and places it in the realm of behaviour. A mistake, once acknowledged, lets you move on while taking something as a hit to your identity keeps a knife twisting in your insides.

By relinquishing old identity beliefs, leaders cultivate real team in the organization, family or group. Real team is a place where it is safe to speak your mind and no need to hide mistakes. We all know, at some level, how we are being received. It may not be conscious, but our physiology always gets it. If you speak your mind to someone and they clench internally, it registers with you. If they are important to your life or career you will often begin to trim your sails with them – to withhold certain observations and be timid in presenting others.

Receiving criticism with no internal clenching – without taking offense – puts you and your organization far above the rest. When you feel negativity toward someone else for what they say about you or how they characterize you, you are making it less safe for people to tell you how it really is from their perspective. Leaders welcome and seek out others’ perspectives as well as insights into their own errors and their organizations are healthier for it.

Gratitude is one of the signal distinctions of the evolved human being and the evolved organization. Enjoy this beautiful expression of the courageous, warm heart of the Japanese people. If you haven’t thanked someone in a heartfelt way today, your gratitude account may be running dangerously low. If for quite a while now, you haven’t felt the pleasure of giving your whole heart to something for the sheer goodness of it, you may have to scratch around and try to find the number of your gratitude account: it’s been so long since you have used it, you’ve no doubt forgotten it.

This clip really inspired me. It renewed my commitment to making each day one of gratitude. Along that line, thank you for checking out our blog.

In the box:

“We wrestle problem after problem to the ground only to find two others standing in its place.”

Learning to be out of the box:

“In a group of our peers who are committed to confidentiality, we’re able to explore being transparent, because others are doing the same.”

Leadership and Self-Deception, a simple, clear and powerful book from the Arbinger Institute, is finding a niche here in Alberta. Just recently at an Executive Circle I was leading at a café in Edmonton’s West End, a man approached our small group, noticing the books on our table. “I just bought 35 copies of this book for my staff,” he said, and went on to say that his boss had introduced him to it and how much he had gotten out of it.

If only just reading the book were enough! IBM hopes so. The company gives a copy of this book to each new employee. But the truth is, that in order to integrate the learning from this book, you have to personally engage with it. Our habits of self-deception are well and deeply entrenched in our cultural conditioning. Arbinger writes: “Because we deceive ourselves so systematically, we actually have little comprehension of what we are. But we can come out of self-deception. We can learn the truth about ourselves. And what we learn is both surprising and inspiring.”

What is self-deception? “[S]elf-deception has perplexed scholars in philosophy and the human sciences for centuries. Simply put, it is the problem that humans seem to create problems for themselves and yet resist specific solutions to those problems.” (The Way We Are, Arbinger Institute, p. 1. )

To move past self-deception, we need to focus on how we are being – on the inside. Humans are social beings. We are deeply conditioned from birth as to how to function in relationships of all kinds. We have two fundamental inner footings. From our deep inner footing, we embrace the whole social context of which we are a part. From our shallow, self-focused footing, we see ourselves and our situation through the lens of self-interest. When we’re standing in our deep inner footing, it’s obvious to us that we’re a part of the whole and we have a part to play. We sense our belonging. We see others as equals. This is an “out-of-the-box” perspective. From this deep footing it would never occur to us to see our personal self-interest as different from that of the whole. Doing unto others as we would have others do unto us is just natural, easy and obvious. We are the generous, intelligent, compassionate, skilful human beings we know ourselves to be.

Our shallow self-focused inner footing is far less comfortable. Need defines us. We are “in the box.” Because we are deeply insecure in this footing, we flatter ourselves and denigrate others. We need difficulties and act to create and perpetuate them. We need others to be wrong so we don’t have to look at ourselves too closely. We’re never secure in our belonging. By acting in our perceived self-interest, we make ourselves appear smaller than we really are to others, while having an inflated image of ourselves. When we see others in their boxes, we might say they are “very defended.” We are actually keen to point out when others are in their boxes, not realizing that this is a tell-tale sign of us being in our own box as well.

There are some hallmarks of being in the box:

• We take things personally.
• We blame others.
• We justify our own behaviour and stance.
• We see others as less and ourselves as more.
• We invite others to be in their boxes.

This self-focused inner footing is grounded in scarcity. We never have enough. Our belonging is in doubt. We always have problems and difficulties. Others constantly fail to live up to expectations. We wrestle problem after problem to the ground only to find two others standing in its place. And while others know we have a problem, we don’t. When we stand within this shallow, self-focused inner footing, we simply don’t know we have a problem.

These are some hallmarks of being out of the box:

• We don’t take things personally.
• We see others as just as important and valuable as ourselves.
• We’re able to see and be honest about our own contribution to difficulties.
• We’re more creative and others are invited to be more creative as well.
• We make it safe for others to come out of their boxes.

Integrating the wisdom of Leadership and Self-Deception happens more readily in a facilitated group process than in solitary rumination. In a group of our peers who are committed to confidentiality, we’re able to explore being transparent, because others are doing the same. Far from being ashamed of our derelictions, we feel relieved to be able to say, “that’s how it has been,” and having seen that, we feel lighter and can move on toward what comes next.

Leadership freeing itself from self-deception is like Spring coming into the whole organization.

• It becomes safe for people to speak honestly.
• It becomes safe to acknowledge one’s own contributions to difficulties.
• Destructive unwritten rules of what can and cannot be said can be brought to the surface and banished.
• Creativity blossoms.
• The organization deals realistically with its actual situation, not the one everyone would have preferred to see.

Companies have every reason in the world to make this a significant goal for the year.

On March 31, 2011, at noon, I took part in a group that participated in the healing of the waters at the Fukushima Nuclear Plant In Japan.

On March 30, Masuru Emoto, Messenger of Water, sent a message that has gone round the world many times, inviting the energy of people everywhere into the effort to contain the damage from Fukushima. The message was so powerful, as of the afternoon of March 31, 2011, references to it took up 48 pages in Google Search. “Viral” is a weak description of how fast this message went around the world. What is it that tapped into so many people’s hearts?

Here is an excerpt from what he wrote:

To Fellow Citizens of Plant Earth:

WATER CEREMONY WITH DR. MASARU EMOTO

Thursday, March 31st, 2011 at 12:00 noon in your time zone

Please send your prayers of love and gratitude to the water at the nuclear plants in Fukushima, Japan….During over twenty year research of hado measuring and water crystal photographic technology, I have been witnessing that water can turn positive when it receives pure vibration of human prayer no matter how far away it is. The energy formula of Albert Einstein (E=MC2) really means that Energy = number of people and the square of people’s consciousness. Now is the time to understand the true meaning….I ask all people, not just in Japan, but all people of the world to join the prayer ceremony as fellow citizens of the planet earth.

The prayer: “Water of Fukushima Nuclear Plant, we are sorry to make you suffer. Please forgive us. We thank you and we love you.” It is signed Masuru Emoto, Messenger of Water.

For more than two decades, Emoto has been studying the effects of outside influences including human thought and prayer on the crystalline structure of water and publishing amazing photographs of his discoveries. The Japanese response to the dangers of Fukushima was to pour water – lots and lots of water – on the overheating reactors. Yet who thought of the water? Or its effects as it moved, with all of its contamination, into the environment? Who thought of the water? Who connected with the water as something conscious and alive?

Emoto. His tender appreciation for the role of waters in this whole calamity is both touching and revealing. See his blog, http://emotopeaceproject.blogspot.com.

His relationship to water – the water he has studied and reported on all these years – has become transcendent. By his message, he has let us all in on it. None of us who connected with this moment will ever see water the same.

And I – with a small group of participants in an in-house New Leadership training – was one of these. There were tears in many eyes as we sat there together, focusing on the prayer linking us to water, as Emoto requested. But that is not all.

Just this week, I learned of a project called The Global Coherence Initiative. Organized through The Heart Math Institute, this project is monitoring the energetic effects of moments when people come together “of one heart, of one mind” around the planet. The Global Coherence Monitoring System (GCMS) directly measures “fluctuations in the magnetic fields generated by the earth and in the ionosphere.” Such measurements have been able to correctly predict earthquakes with a high degree of accuracy, and to detect large scale shifts in these fields hours in advance of significant international events – such as 911. They report:

“A number of important findings already have emerged. For example, changes in the earth’s magnetic field are associated with changes in brain and nervous system activity; performance of athletic, memory and other tasks; sensitivity in a wide range of extrasensory perception experiments; synthesis of nutrients in plants and algae; the number of reported traffic violations and accidents; mortality from heart attacks and strokes; and incidence of depression and suicide. It’s interesting to note that changes in geomagnetic conditions affect the rhythms of the heart more strongly than all the physiological functions studied so far.”
www.glcoherence.org/monitoring-system/about-system.html

You can go to this website and become a member. There is a chat room with Google Earth pictures. It’s fascinating. What’s up for all of us right now is to just let ourselves take in, just for a moment, the implications in our own life, in our own organizations, what Emoto did and what the Global Coherence Initiative is showing. As Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, when you change the way you look at something, what you see is entire different.

This is an extraordinary moment to shift perspective to something so large, that getting your mind around it is almost unimaginable. And that’s ok. We don’t need to get our minds around it. We just need to take it in. At a heart level.