Gratitude is one of the signal distinctions of the evolved human being and the evolved organization. Enjoy this beautiful expression of the courageous, warm heart of the Japanese people. If you haven’t thanked someone in a heartfelt way today, your gratitude account may be running dangerously low. If for quite a while now, you haven’t felt the pleasure of giving your whole heart to something for the sheer goodness of it, you may have to scratch around and try to find the number of your gratitude account: it’s been so long since you have used it, you’ve no doubt forgotten it.

This clip really inspired me. It renewed my commitment to making each day one of gratitude. Along that line, thank you for checking out our blog.

COACHING CONVERSATIONS THAT WORK

To develop your leadership capacities and significantly enhance your communication abilities, treat yourself to just 2 inspiring days to learning skills and awareness that will last a lifetime. Others will enjoy talking with you and you’ll enjoy conversation in a way you never imagined. Plus you’ll get far better results from your conversations and if you work with others through conversation, you’ll be able to provide them some useful new tools and perspectives.

2012 Dates:
EDMONTON
FEBRUARY 21 AND 22 – 9:30 am to 5:00 pm
Location: Stanley Milner Library

CALGARY
APRIL 27 AND 28 – 9:00 am to 4:30 pm
Location TBA

For more information and to register, go to the Coaching Conversations that Work page.

Do you get frustrated when people don’t seem to be able to get what you’ve said? You know yourself that when your mind is on something else, or you have made some assumptions about what another person is meaning, it is easy to misunderstand what they’ve said. Here are some common examples of situations leading to such mis-understanding, and constructive ways of assuring your message is on point, heard and understood.

Example 1: Another asks you a question.
You answer. What else could you do? It is often wise to check with the person asking the question to see whether they felt your answer was responsive to their question. Many filters and expectations get in the way of something being correctly understood as well getting in the way of the most effective response to the question. So it touches both sides. It is fine to ask,
“Did this answer your question?” or “Did our conversation address your concern?”
This kind of follow-up question shows interest and attentiveness.

Example 2: You provide directions.
When you ask, “could you tell me what you heard me say” you may feel a little silly, but you might also be surprised by the response you get. It is not uncommon to be completely misunderstood, Enjoy the mutual laughter and try again.

Example 3: You provide guidance
Once again, check in to be sure that the meaning of what you said was the meaning the other person, received. This is a particularly valuable relationship-building move: Was our discussion helpful? How was it helpful? This helps the person become clearer about the benefit of the conversation. Perhaps this is why restaurant wait staff always ask about your level of satisfaction, as you dig in to your food.

Example 4: Do you have the other person’s attention?
How can you know that you have the other person’s attention and that they are really listening?
“I’d like to share something with you. Is this a good time to talk?” or
“I need a minute of your time to go over something. Is this a good time?”

This initial check-in shows respect and extends courtesy. If a person’s attention is on something else, your message is highly unlikely to be received as you intended it. The initial check-in sets the tone for a cordial exchange provided you are willing to hear a “no, not now” and then set a time for the conversation.

Learning Step: To integrate asking, start right away to practice it. In 3 days you won’t have to struggle to remember to do it. In 7 days, it will be becoming automatic. Explore ways of making it fun and creative and having it support relationship-building in your organization and amongst your family and friends.

So – was this Tip helpful? Register your views via email reply to programs@co-creating.ca.

In the box:

“We wrestle problem after problem to the ground only to find two others standing in its place.”

Learning to be out of the box:

“In a group of our peers who are committed to confidentiality, we’re able to explore being transparent, because others are doing the same.”

Leadership and Self-Deception, a simple, clear and powerful book from the Arbinger Institute, is finding a niche here in Alberta. Just recently at an Executive Circle I was leading at a café in Edmonton’s West End, a man approached our small group, noticing the books on our table. “I just bought 35 copies of this book for my staff,” he said, and went on to say that his boss had introduced him to it and how much he had gotten out of it.

If only just reading the book were enough! IBM hopes so. The company gives a copy of this book to each new employee. But the truth is, that in order to integrate the learning from this book, you have to personally engage with it. Our habits of self-deception are well and deeply entrenched in our cultural conditioning. Arbinger writes: “Because we deceive ourselves so systematically, we actually have little comprehension of what we are. But we can come out of self-deception. We can learn the truth about ourselves. And what we learn is both surprising and inspiring.”

What is self-deception? “[S]elf-deception has perplexed scholars in philosophy and the human sciences for centuries. Simply put, it is the problem that humans seem to create problems for themselves and yet resist specific solutions to those problems.” (The Way We Are, Arbinger Institute, p. 1. )

To move past self-deception, we need to focus on how we are being – on the inside. Humans are social beings. We are deeply conditioned from birth as to how to function in relationships of all kinds. We have two fundamental inner footings. From our deep inner footing, we embrace the whole social context of which we are a part. From our shallow, self-focused footing, we see ourselves and our situation through the lens of self-interest. When we’re standing in our deep inner footing, it’s obvious to us that we’re a part of the whole and we have a part to play. We sense our belonging. We see others as equals. This is an “out-of-the-box” perspective. From this deep footing it would never occur to us to see our personal self-interest as different from that of the whole. Doing unto others as we would have others do unto us is just natural, easy and obvious. We are the generous, intelligent, compassionate, skilful human beings we know ourselves to be.

Our shallow self-focused inner footing is far less comfortable. Need defines us. We are “in the box.” Because we are deeply insecure in this footing, we flatter ourselves and denigrate others. We need difficulties and act to create and perpetuate them. We need others to be wrong so we don’t have to look at ourselves too closely. We’re never secure in our belonging. By acting in our perceived self-interest, we make ourselves appear smaller than we really are to others, while having an inflated image of ourselves. When we see others in their boxes, we might say they are “very defended.” We are actually keen to point out when others are in their boxes, not realizing that this is a tell-tale sign of us being in our own box as well.

There are some hallmarks of being in the box:

• We take things personally.
• We blame others.
• We justify our own behaviour and stance.
• We see others as less and ourselves as more.
• We invite others to be in their boxes.

This self-focused inner footing is grounded in scarcity. We never have enough. Our belonging is in doubt. We always have problems and difficulties. Others constantly fail to live up to expectations. We wrestle problem after problem to the ground only to find two others standing in its place. And while others know we have a problem, we don’t. When we stand within this shallow, self-focused inner footing, we simply don’t know we have a problem.

These are some hallmarks of being out of the box:

• We don’t take things personally.
• We see others as just as important and valuable as ourselves.
• We’re able to see and be honest about our own contribution to difficulties.
• We’re more creative and others are invited to be more creative as well.
• We make it safe for others to come out of their boxes.

Integrating the wisdom of Leadership and Self-Deception happens more readily in a facilitated group process than in solitary rumination. In a group of our peers who are committed to confidentiality, we’re able to explore being transparent, because others are doing the same. Far from being ashamed of our derelictions, we feel relieved to be able to say, “that’s how it has been,” and having seen that, we feel lighter and can move on toward what comes next.

Leadership freeing itself from self-deception is like Spring coming into the whole organization.

• It becomes safe for people to speak honestly.
• It becomes safe to acknowledge one’s own contributions to difficulties.
• Destructive unwritten rules of what can and cannot be said can be brought to the surface and banished.
• Creativity blossoms.
• The organization deals realistically with its actual situation, not the one everyone would have preferred to see.

Companies have every reason in the world to make this a significant goal for the year.

The Coaching & Leadership Tips Blog will soon feature coaching and leadership tips in the form of short audio episodes that you can listen to right on our web site or download.

Use the comments to let us know if there are any topics about leadership, communications, or coaching that particularly interest you.

On March 31, 2011, at noon, I took part in a group that participated in the healing of the waters at the Fukushima Nuclear Plant In Japan.

On March 30, Masuru Emoto, Messenger of Water, sent a message that has gone round the world many times, inviting the energy of people everywhere into the effort to contain the damage from Fukushima. The message was so powerful, as of the afternoon of March 31, 2011, references to it took up 48 pages in Google Search. “Viral” is a weak description of how fast this message went around the world. What is it that tapped into so many people’s hearts?

Here is an excerpt from what he wrote:

To Fellow Citizens of Plant Earth:

WATER CEREMONY WITH DR. MASARU EMOTO

Thursday, March 31st, 2011 at 12:00 noon in your time zone

Please send your prayers of love and gratitude to the water at the nuclear plants in Fukushima, Japan….During over twenty year research of hado measuring and water crystal photographic technology, I have been witnessing that water can turn positive when it receives pure vibration of human prayer no matter how far away it is. The energy formula of Albert Einstein (E=MC2) really means that Energy = number of people and the square of people’s consciousness. Now is the time to understand the true meaning….I ask all people, not just in Japan, but all people of the world to join the prayer ceremony as fellow citizens of the planet earth.

The prayer: “Water of Fukushima Nuclear Plant, we are sorry to make you suffer. Please forgive us. We thank you and we love you.” It is signed Masuru Emoto, Messenger of Water.

For more than two decades, Emoto has been studying the effects of outside influences including human thought and prayer on the crystalline structure of water and publishing amazing photographs of his discoveries. The Japanese response to the dangers of Fukushima was to pour water – lots and lots of water – on the overheating reactors. Yet who thought of the water? Or its effects as it moved, with all of its contamination, into the environment? Who thought of the water? Who connected with the water as something conscious and alive?

Emoto. His tender appreciation for the role of waters in this whole calamity is both touching and revealing. See his blog, http://emotopeaceproject.blogspot.com.

His relationship to water – the water he has studied and reported on all these years – has become transcendent. By his message, he has let us all in on it. None of us who connected with this moment will ever see water the same.

And I – with a small group of participants in an in-house New Leadership training – was one of these. There were tears in many eyes as we sat there together, focusing on the prayer linking us to water, as Emoto requested. But that is not all.

Just this week, I learned of a project called The Global Coherence Initiative. Organized through The Heart Math Institute, this project is monitoring the energetic effects of moments when people come together “of one heart, of one mind” around the planet. The Global Coherence Monitoring System (GCMS) directly measures “fluctuations in the magnetic fields generated by the earth and in the ionosphere.” Such measurements have been able to correctly predict earthquakes with a high degree of accuracy, and to detect large scale shifts in these fields hours in advance of significant international events – such as 911. They report:

“A number of important findings already have emerged. For example, changes in the earth’s magnetic field are associated with changes in brain and nervous system activity; performance of athletic, memory and other tasks; sensitivity in a wide range of extrasensory perception experiments; synthesis of nutrients in plants and algae; the number of reported traffic violations and accidents; mortality from heart attacks and strokes; and incidence of depression and suicide. It’s interesting to note that changes in geomagnetic conditions affect the rhythms of the heart more strongly than all the physiological functions studied so far.”
www.glcoherence.org/monitoring-system/about-system.html

You can go to this website and become a member. There is a chat room with Google Earth pictures. It’s fascinating. What’s up for all of us right now is to just let ourselves take in, just for a moment, the implications in our own life, in our own organizations, what Emoto did and what the Global Coherence Initiative is showing. As Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, when you change the way you look at something, what you see is entire different.

This is an extraordinary moment to shift perspective to something so large, that getting your mind around it is almost unimaginable. And that’s ok. We don’t need to get our minds around it. We just need to take it in. At a heart level.